True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.