I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”