Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I can’t stop laughing at this
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello