Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
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Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.