My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You Might Also Like
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95