I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
New favorite tiktok
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Oh deer
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
me, too, girl. me, too.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The Onion called it…again.