I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing đ
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Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and itâs all bloody
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
This couldâve been an email.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say âplease donât throw your beef stick at meâ with a straight face.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My television roles include âFleeing Suspectâ on Season 3 of Cops and âJubilant Non Fatherâ on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isnât getting laid
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonaldâs and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if youâre already married then thatâs still going on.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.