“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..