[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂