I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Guilty! 🤪
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”