3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
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I bet birds love this building.
my sentiments exactly
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
had to share :’)
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over