Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
dude it’s called proctologist
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?