Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.