Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds