*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
You Might Also Like
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I think this should do it.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex