I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated