On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”