Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
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Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes