Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Ron is short for Aaronald
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.