The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Breaking news:
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?