god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.