Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?