#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
☺️
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
i- i did not expect this
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”