What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
You Might Also Like
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.