ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Put this video in the Louvre
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”