It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?