store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
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BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.