I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
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If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.