The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
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A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
What?!?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me