Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.