If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
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Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities