I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The Birdles
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.