No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
You Might Also Like
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.