[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
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Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I have never related to anyone more.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Unimpressed
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?