Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Going into Monday like
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Yup
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?