Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Stop sending me this shit.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
U talkin 2 me?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.