[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.