My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Coffee for people with no kids
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?