I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.