In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons