Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
all bases covered
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.