wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
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A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
hey, alexa
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Good morning
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”