nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
happy valentine’s day to me
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.