batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Why font matters.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question