Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room