My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …