[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I have never related to anyone more.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.