Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.