Baller is short for ballerina
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.