[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??